Leading own mind is like driving a team

One of my favourite metaphors for self-leadership comes from Eastern philosophy: a person is represented by a chariot drawn by a pair of horses. One horse represents emotion, the other reason.

The driver symbolises the conscious mind, whose task is to learn to guide both horses in harmony. If emotion pulls uncontrollably, reactions can be impulsive. If reason drives too forcefully without emotional connection, the outcome can be a hardened or detached mode of action. When both forces are recognised and skilfully directed, the chariot moves steadily forward.

As a fun addition, in modern combined-driving marathon, there is the groom balancing the carriage through tight turns and reminding of time and direction. Another metaphor for us coaches and psychotherapists.

You might rather drive just the rational horse in front—unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Humans do not make any choice without emotions. It is also impossible to prevent emotions from arising. One must simply learn to manage what happens next.

In an interview, the Dalai Lama was asked whether he can prevent an emotion from entering awareness. He replied that he cannot, but he thinks there may be one or two yogis in India who might.

In EASEL we put the four main areas of EQ in a hierarchy. Self-management requires self-awareness, since it’s hard to regulate what you don’t notice. Next is Social awareness and empathy and compassion, which become possible after the first two. And you can’t have good social skills without the first three levels. On the top of the pyramid, there is the ability to make thoughtful decisions and choices, also in high-pressure situations. Or resilience. Or Lead Your Mind To Lead Your Self and Others…

Some challenges

1. Because we know how another person feels by sensing it in our own body, all our emotions may not even be ours! In addition, our own emotions stir up in response to theirs and to the situation. We might have 4 horses in front. Empathy means knowing which horses are own. Compassion means wanting to help.

2. Our brain conserves resources by running on autopilot. Researchers estimate that up to 95% of brain activity is subconscious. With the remaining 5 % we attempt to regulate, pause, deliberate, guide, learn, change, interact…

3. What kind of map does the driver have? Think of your brain as a road map, where the routes most travelled over the years become highways. When something happens, the brain makes a split-second evaluation based on past experiences, attitudes, and beliefs. A city person and a nature photographer probably react differently to a bear in the forest. Learning is building new roads and adding new dots on the map.

Autopilot speeds up the processing of massive amounts of information, allowing conscious thought to focus on what matters most. It’s essential for survival responses—better not fetch water from yesterday’s crocodile-infested spot or at least notice the danger! But we may also read others and situations through tinted lenses, jump from tiny data to large conclusions, and act inappropriately before thinking.

Example
One client sent a message to a busy team member: “Would it be too much to ask if you stopped by my office this afternoon?” What emotional tone and attitude does your brain load onto those words? The words themselves are neutral. A good rule of thumb is to assume goodwill unless proven otherwise. The employee became irritated, showed the message to a colleague, and a third person overheard their upset conversation and informed the manager, who then rushed over to correct the misunderstanding.

Take care of yourself!

Protect yourself from unnecessary negativity. Notice when you’re caught in a negative spiral. Pause and bring yourself back to the present if you find yourself worrying about the future or regretting the past without learning anything. In today’s world, it’s valuable to regulate what you read and watch, with whom you spend time, and what you listen to. Support your own and others’ well-being by paying attention to your words and tone—what you bring into the atmosphere. A positive attitude and noticing good things don’t mean losing touch with reality. Try to view unpleasant situations as neutrally as possible. Focus on what you can influence.

Deliberately shifting bodily emotion is a valuable emotional regulation skill. You’ll face situations where you must breathe the emotional charge out of your body and focuse on the task at hand. This isn’t about suppressing the feeling, but acnowledging it and choosing to move on without dwelling on it. Someone can irritate you a bit but you let it go. I keep photos of my grandchildren on my phone—just looking at them immerses me in a cloud of oxytocin. According to researchers, oxytocin—the hormone associated with love and bonding—is the strongest known antagonist to cortisol. It even turns fear into bravery ❤️

Invest in the positive!

A HR manager during my training wrote these joy prompts onto her shopping list for her husband and ticked the ones she wanted “delivered” 😀

Amusement
Sensory pleasure
Relief
Hopefulness
Excitement
Novelty
Serenity
Awe
Gratitude
Compassion

Let me know how I can support you!

Mari