7 Steps to regulate unpleasant emotions

Don’t Fight Emotions — Use Them As Information Instead

Life shows us something, the brain makes a fast evaluation and emotions tell us to approach or avoid it. The emotional brain urges us to react. The reasoning mind looks at facts and goals and consequences. The wise mind uses emotions as information and reasons to choose a response.

Life gets a bit easier if you learn to regulate the intensity of negative emotions. Here is a simplified process you can try.

Something happens, you feel xyz.

1. Name it

Are you in danger, guilty of something, missing someone/something, has someone crossed your boundary, can’t you find a solution…? What does the emotional cocktail in your body urge you to do?

2. Resist Reacting

Unless you’re facing an emergency, pause. Sit on your hands mouth shut for 5 secs.

3. Breathe

Breathing is our only way to calm the autonomic nervous system. Imagine breathing in yellow sunlight for a count of four and exhaling grey, counting to six. Or visualise you’re in a boat in a storm. Drop your anchor. You can’t change the weather, but you can safely wait it out.

4. Reflect

Emotions are real and logical consequences based on your beliefs and thoughts, but your interpretation of a situation can be incorrect. In one study, participants who described themselves as sad saw more funerals on a video that included an equal number of weddings and funerals, while happier participants saw more weddings. Don’t believe everything your mind feeds you. The “wise mind” uses emotion and reasoning. The emotional mind tends to exaggerate. The rational mind relies on logic, but can’t make any choices without emotions.

5. Clarify What’s Important

What is your objective? What do you value? “Our friendship matters to me. To nurture our friendship, I’ll apologise.” What needs to happen so that something else becomes possible? What can you influence, what not?

6. Choose How You Want To Act or Respond

Which action aligns with your values and goals? Which step takes you toward them without harming others?

7. A Healthy Reaction to an Unhealthy Situation

If you avoid something because it makes you feel uncomfortable, it will linger on until you change the situation or your attitude. But when you need to shift now and deal with it later, have e.g. photos on your phone that will flood you with love and gratitude (I’ve got my grandkids), concentrate on helping others, be at awe…

There are also situations we can’t change and emotions we must live with. Grief is one emotion that feels unpleasant, but is actually a positive one, because it means we love… As we paint our life’s canvas bit by bit every day. grief paints a dark area. It fills our view up close, but on the whole wall-sized canvas, other colours also appear, and the dark area shrinks in proportion. Eventually, grief softens into a gentle longing and all the beautiful memories cover more of the canvas.

-The image used with permission by Manuela Bosco, “Seven Sisters”-

PS. If symptoms of anxiety or depression are already affecting your daily functioning, sleep, or well-being—and support from loved ones isn’t helping—please seek professional help.